Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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