Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
