She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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