it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
