You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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