My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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