I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
