checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
