I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
