theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
