Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
