Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
