dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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