You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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