If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
