Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
