Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
