i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The best revenge is premature balding
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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