The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
