you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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