what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
