Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
FUCK WHALES
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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