Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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