i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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