also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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