Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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