She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Can you bring me the toilet please
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
