Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
