I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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