I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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