please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
