I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
