My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
