I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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