I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
