Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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