I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
