I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
