so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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