So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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