I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
