Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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