There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My bed smells like the plague
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
