It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
