I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
