Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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