My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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