Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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