if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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