Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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