i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
