Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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