just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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