If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
