i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
