So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
