peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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