I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
