He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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