I look better un-naked...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Your cock deserves a montage
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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