I hate all girls vehemently.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
