He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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