Plan B is the new Plan A
my phone needs a breathalizer
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I fill condoms, not promises.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
